“Death is not always a terrifying thing, at least in my mind. Sometimes just the thought of it can feel like pure bliss.” reflected Mira Johansson, 27, a Seattle resident, who was born and raised in Stockholm, Sweden. Johansson has always felt a comfort in death, even when her life was running smoothly and may seem perfect on the outside.
“There is this thought of suicide that I constantly have, and I’m almost positive there are many other people that feel this way, even if they aren’t planning on suicide.
“I just kind of have that peculiarity, that has always been with me.”
Johansson is an only child from an ordinary Swedish family who have lived in the Vasastan area of Stockholm, which is an upscale area with entertainment, parks, and tourist attractions. She moved to the United States in 2008, when she was 17, and has lived in Seattle, Washington ever since. Her bachelor’s degree in Communications and Media Studies led to her current public relations job for Amazon Inc.
“I have never thoroughly plotted out a suicide plan, because nothing has really driven me that far. But, for some unexplainable reason, the thought of it has always been at the back of my head.”
Johansson speaks about dreams she has had. They are haunting dreams, when at times she wakes up in a panic, and these dreams put a damper on her mood for sometimes days, or weeks, at a time.
Death or suicidal “ideation” ranges from fleeting thoughts, to preoccupation, to detailed planning of suicide. Behavioral experts say most people with suicidal ideation do not carry out an actual attempt, but some do. Many people that have thoughts of suicide for no apparent reason may have a mental illness, or have mental illnesses that run in their family, or low self-esteem, or have been in situations that have led them to suicidal thoughts. Although suicide often is associated with depression, not all victims of suicide or suicidal thoughts suffer from the disease.
In 2004, a study took place with people amongst suicidal thoughts with no evidence of the depression that Johansson mentioned. In fact, close to thirty percent of 800 people reported suicidal thoughts throughout their lives.
Johansson doesn’t recall any severe trauma, has no mental health issues, and does not have any significant recollection that could have resulted in this way of thinking. She believes it is just a certain mannerism that some people have. Johansson believes that artists such as Kurt Cobain, and XXXtentacion also had the same characteristic.
“Since I was in fourth grade, that’s when I started to admire Kurt Cobain for his poetic music and the sweet, humble personality he gave off.
“Kurt Cobain talked about suicide almost his whole life – ever since his parents divorced when he was seven years old. I’m not sure if I believe he actually did commit suicide or not. Either way, I felt that he had that mannerism to him that I can relate to.
“You can just tell from his music, and interviews. I’ve read his biography as well and the author touches on the suicidal thoughts he had.”
Another celebrity Johansson feels that she can relate to is rapper Jahseh Onfroy, a.k.a. XXXtentacion. Onfroy however, did not commit suicide. He was murdered by gunshot in Florida, last June. Johansson speaks on understanding his personality through his music, Instagram posts, and interviews.
“I think he had a very similar aura that Kurt Cobain did.” Onfroy also mentions in interviews that Cobain was one of his role models.
Johansson feels that she is not the only person that is “suicidal, without actually wanting to commit suicide”. She believes some people develop that focus over time, and naturally have a suicidal energy to them. It’s not always a negative, or depressing thing, and people can live completely normal, upbeat lives.
“This interview is difficult because it’s hard to explain this to someone that doesn’t have the same thoughts.
“The best way to explain is just that I see a sort of euphoria in dying. I love my life and have no reason to feel or think this but it’s always been at the back of my mind and I don’t think it’s the type of thing that comes in phases.
“It’s just always around my thoughts, in good times or bad.”
Johansson speaks on how she doesn’t suffer from depression, and doesn’t have any intention of committing suicide, and that most people would never be able to tell she has suicidal thoughts on the outside. But it’s something she has grown comfortable with, and doesn’t see going away anytime soon, if ever. She does not feel the necessity to seek help for this aspect of her, and will most likely never go through with committing the act of suicide.
Moreover, Johansson claims that within her darkness, she has found “peace and light”.
I can relate to this story, I don’t even know what depression is but definitely there’s sadness to life and the slight euphoria about death makes sense to me. Like Mira, I don’t expect most people to understand it but when I heard Kurt Cobain singing look on the bright side is suicide, it caught my attention but chances of me actually committing suicide is almost non existent so I do wonder why all these thoughts then? Maybe it’s some sort bourgeoisie entertainment for one of my sides or probably something deeper that purifies my soul in a strange way.